Well, it was a positively awful day yesterday. My wife had the day off. Honestly I was looking forward to being able to spend some time together, and it was a nice evening right up until the end when it turned into a total disaster.
The biggest problem she has in our marriage is that when I don’t consider something important or “a big deal” I tend not to pay attention and just forget it.
This leads to situations like last night when she realized I’d forgotten to give the dog a bath after she asked me to do so almost a week ago, as well as a few other but similar things. I don’t forget stuff to be mean or anything, but more because I don’t care about it.
I know that one needs to be truly present and invested in a relationship, and part of that is listening to your partner about what is important to them. My wife is a very busy person, and she takes it as a slap in the face when I don’t value the things she needs me to do the same way that she does.
We got into a big fight about it because she was yelling and I felt attacked. I know she had a point but yelling is not the way to communicate information to me. Of course, during this yelling she brought up divorce and how I hadn’t even been trying to keep my word about changing.
Now, mark my words, I thought I had been doing pretty well. I was sincerely trying to listen and communicate, and to be more patient and considerate. Evidently I’m still a bastard with no value who brings nothing to the family.
She was saying how sad she was to have given up her friendship with the couple she had sex with and that I wasn’t worth losing them. Then she went on about how I blame all her affairs on her BPD when in fact she does it because she feels neglected and wants attention and doesn’t care if it hurts me because I’m not worth NOT hurting because I contribute nothing to the marriage.
She went on go say that she didn’t think it had to be this way and she’d be glad to be faithful if I gave her a husband worth being faithful to.
Through all of this madness i’ve always had the comfortable old shoe of her Borderline Personality Disorder to take the blame so that she can remain, in my mind, a good person who made a bad decision based in a mental Illness.
Without that what is she? Only a monster stays with someone and cheats on them when they aren’t happy in a relationship and doesn’t give a fuck because they don’t value the person they cheated on. Why would she stay in that case, why not go?
Am I just a glorified babysitter like she called me last night? Am I a coward and a fool for staying? I’m committed to hanging around for another year to get her through school because that will be best for the kids.
What then though? Should I just try to earn her love and make it work? Earn her love again so one day I can just leave and hurt her? That seems appealing right now.
Should I let this woman and this marriage make me a monster too?