I’m a man in his early thirties, married for a decade and a father of two young girls.
My life is falling to pieces and I have nobody to share this with. I’ve long thought of starting a blog, and since popular media shows us that people are more interested in failure than success I thought this would be a fine time to do so.
The details as to why my life is falling apart are not uncommon. They could be anyone’s details. Married young, children young, lack of education and opportunity, a man and his wife growing apart. The song has remained the same for generations.
My wife and I have had a tenuous relationship at best for most of our 10 years of marriage. Sure, we started out strong in our love, but as oft happens the myriad pressures of child care, bills, and the gulf of years have pulled us in opposite directions.
Please, bare with me while I go into tedious detail about the both of us:
I, the passionate Atheist with a completely science-based worldview, have what many would consider a rather conservative moral compass. I do not believe my morals come from any superior being, but I also believe that life is marked by the things you choose to give meaning to.
I don’t judge people based on race, wealth, sexuality, or creed. I try not to judge people at all, though I suffer the same pitfalls as anyone else might. In short, you do not need to follow my morality, or any morality for that matter, but I must do what I feel is proper without deviation.
I’ve been called a bit of a boyscout.
My wife is a Pagan. She identifies most with the “Wicca” philosophy of nature worship. I guess most folk would call that “Witchcraft”. Don’t be alarmed, though. I’m sure by this point in the 21′st century you know that real Witches are far from the witches of popular culture.
She is a very “free spirit” I guess you would say, and bisexual. This is not a bad thing necessarily, but when coupled with her having a condition known as “Borderline Personality Disorder” basically it means that she gets attached to and obsessed with anybody, male of female, that gives her attention.
Her condition dictates that however she was feeling about me when she last saw me is, in her mind, how she has always felt about me since we first met and how she will feel about me in perpetuity. This, coupled with our tumultuous marriage and the fact that she claims to not like monogamy (a late discovery on her part), has accounted for four distinct affairs on her part. The last of which was two days ago and involved a couple she had met a month prior. This couple are also Wiccans, and this is extremely seductive to her as kindred spirits are rare, indeed, around here.
I do not claim to be a perfect, or even a good, husband. I can be immature, petty, and paranoid. I obsess over finances and try to control uncontrollable things. I am quick to anger as well, though I like to think that I am also quick to calm.
In short, I do not blame her dalliances on her moral character. I understand that mental illness is real, and requires empathy and constant vigilance on the part of the sufferer’s spouse.
I freely admit my faults as a husband, father and a human. This must be understood if any good is to come of what I shall try to relate in the course of this blog.
So, after this latest affair we have talked about whether to separate or work on things. Immediately after coming home from the event, she confessed and was apologetic, as she always is. She talks of suicide and how she just looses control sometimes, usually she says it is because I’ve ignored her.
I, as always, talk her down from the edge. Usually, when confronted with the horror of what she’s done, I secretly wish she would make good of her threats and save us all a lot of heartache.
I try not to entertain such childish thoughts for long. It just isn’t conducive to trying to save the marriage and our family. I told her, if she was legitimately sorry, that she would have to get tested for STD’s and cut contact with this couple.
Since the “unpleasantness” happened she has been waffling between wanting a divorce since I am apparently a controlling bastard who makes her desperately unhappy and basically FORCED her to have an affair and trying to work this out, though she oddly enough refuses to get an STD test because it makes her feel like a whore and she also wants to maintain a friendship with this couple.
The thing is, I don’t understand how I am “ignoring” her. When we have time off of work together we spend it largely together. Often I’ll cook a favorite dish of hers, make some coffee, and we’ll watch her favorite shows since she usually is not home late at night to see them.
Honestly, if I had my choice we wouldn’t be sitting down complacently watching television, but perhaps over the years we had settled into a silent habit that neither of us recognized from so short a distance.
So, we’ve talked about finally consulting a marriage councilor. Seems a bit late in the ball game, but better late than never, I say. I’ve left her a note detailing my thoughts on the situation we’ve gotten ourselves into, and a link to a well-regarded therapist in our area who seems to specialize in all the areas I’d think we would need help in.
I find myself in a unenviable state. With one breath I see her as a wicked whore who offers herself to any person willing to talk to her with no aim but hurting me. With the other breath I see a young woman suffering from an extremely debilitating mental illness, who also happens to be the woman I still have some semblance of love for, and is also the mother of my beloved children.
Forgiving an affair is nothing for me, I’ve done it so many times. Not to say I’m happy about it by any means. To me, love can only exist between two people. Monogamy provides the safest and most stable environment in which to live and raise children.
Make no mistake, a cheating spouse breaks your heart. After the first few affairs I was inconsolable. I thought the world was ending. I thought it was my fault, and in many ways she has thoroughly convinced me that it still is.
The funny thing about repeated infidelity is, if you wake up in Hell every day eventually you get used to the view.
So, here is the central theme of the blog:
If she accepts my entreaty to go to counseling and work things out I shall continue the blog in secret and detail the path our marriage and lives follow.
We will go to counseling and I will make an honest attempt to learn to be a better communicator and all-around husband.
If, as I half fear and half hope, she refuses my offer of reconciliation I am embarking on an effort to change everything about myself and my life.
I shall endeavor to get down to a healthy weight, learn about my self, and learn to be an independent adult. I went straight from my mother’s house to being married and I do not know how to do a whole host of things a human my age know how to do.
I have never had a bank account, as my wife has always done the finances.
I do not know how to drive, as early on in our marriage we could afford to send one of us to driving school and she opted to go. She has thereafter done all the driving in our marriage and I do not even have a license.
That last fact is pathetic in the extreme, I know. Please do not think this has been a square deal for me, though. Think about how powerless you would feel if you did not have the boon of easy transportation.
Whether she accepts or denies my efforts at fixing our marriage, I’m going to have to learn a whole host of new life skills.
I’d like to invite you, gentle reader, to share this journey with me on whichever road it may lead.
I’m sorry if this post seems rambling. I am no practiced writer, and I have little experience with the written word other than the normal exposure anyone with my background and education might have.
Now that the basic facts have been laid down, I do intend to make my posts more concise whenever possible. Thank you for your time.